Before/Since Lupus

These photos are what my rashes looks like. It is very painful. It would start as a small patch then it would spread and become connected when I am experiencing a lupus flare. The rashes can stay up to six weeks (very attractive)...Luckily I don't have any rashes right now...

Before I had lupus…
I wore skirts and sandals
And shorts and flip flops
…OUTSIDE!

Before I had lupus…
I never shopped for sun protective clothing
Or worried about applying sunscreen to my hands

Before I had lupus…
I never thought I’d be wearing a wide-brimmed hat
I thought they looked pretty dorky to me

Before I had lupus…
I never understood muscle and joint pains
And what aching all over really felt like
I had never felt extreme exhaustion
I never felt so much anxiety, depression and mood swings

Before I had lupus…
I was a control freak
Not anymore

Before I had lupus…
I was smart. I never forgot a thing
I was efficient
I had never experienced the “lupus fog”

Before I had lupus…
I didn’t have splotchy legs, hair falling out
Or felt self-conscious about the way I look

Before I had lupus
I had never experienced harsh rashes
Or was sensitive to the u.v. rays
And felt physically sick from
The big yellow thing in the sky

Before I had lupus…
I was always on the go, and loving every minute of it.
Now I feel like a big lump who wants to sleep all the time.

Before I had lupus…
I didn’t have to have blood drawn or
Pee in a cup every 3 months
Nor did I have frequent visits to the ophthalmologist
To make sure the lupus meds weren’t messing with my vision

Before I had lupus…
I never felt pain in my lungs
When awaking on a foggy morning

Before I had lupus…
I never got winded
Just going grocery shopping

Before I had lupus..
I never appreciated the relief I was given
By May Gray or June Gloom

Before I had lupus…
I never had to tell my friends
“Sorry, I’m just too tired.”

Before I had lupus…
I enjoyed playing at the beach
Laying in the sun
Running
…FREEDOM!

Since I’ve had lupus…
I’ve learned to appreciate each
And every moment I’ve felt well
Because I never know how soon
That feeling will change.

Since I’ve had lupus…
I’ve learned to appreciate
On-line shopping

Since I’ve had lupus…
I’ve realized that it’s okay to ask for help,
Or cry when I can’t hold it in

Since I’ve had lupus…
I’ve made PEACE with it.

Since I’ve had lupus…
I realized that I am not alone…

Since I’ve had lupus I’ve put on weight from the meds
I can’t sleep no matter what
I can’t enjoy company
and I want to dance
I want to feel the rhythm
and shake without shaking from medicines

I want to laugh without coughing and gasping for breath
I want to put on a little make up
grow some more hair
and I want to stop being so alone
and get out a little bit without shaking
and hurting so bad I have to hold tears back
and I never want to take another pill as long as I live.

I want to skip along the beach, with the sand at my feet. I want to call a friend and invite them to an outing, and know I will not worry about feeling well enough to make that comittiment, when the time arrives. I want to shop till I drop with my girlfriends. I want to travel the world... I want to work up a sweat at a hard days work, and come home and feel like I've been productive. I want to hop on my bike and cruise the downtown, looking for flea markets and estate sales. I want to lay out in the sun, and get a beautiful tan...
I want to take off on a whim and go on a two week road trip… 
And most of all, I want hope for a treatment that will put myself and all my lupus sister's and brothers in remission.


xoxo,
Kat