Gobble Gobble

This Thanksgiving I made Blueberry Cupcake Cheesecakes. It is very easy to make from scratch. All that you need to make the cheesecake is: cream cheese, sugar, vanilla extract, and eggs. For the crust, just use your favorite cookie and mash it up. I often use Vanilla wafers. It is really good when you serve the cheesecake cold. I usually put them in the freezer once they are cooled and after I topped them with blueberries. If you don't like blueberries you can top the cheesecakes with cherries, or any other fruits that you like.

Jenny made Bacon garlic mashed potatoes. I helped her a little bit. The mashed potatoes were so yummy. She made another version of it with cheese in it and on the top, forming a cheesy crust. I loved that you can taste the garlic and smell it. I can't wait for Christmas when I'm home. I will be cooking and baking more. I didn't get to make my Greek Butter Cookies this time, but for Christmas I will make them. They are really simple to make and I got the recipe from a greek woman!

xoxo,
Kat

Thanksgiving

There are many things that I am thankful for in my life. I wanted to write on pen and paper some of the things I am thankful for in my life. I think that it is good to reflect on the positive things in my life when I seem to be caught up in my own little world. I don't often say thank you, and at times I forget to thank the people that are important to me. So I am taking a few minutes out of my time to give thanks to everyone that have made a positive impact in my life. I have my health, family, and friends that I am very thankful to have. It might seem funny, but I am thankful that I am diagnosis with Lupus. Lupus has taught me a lot of stuff about myself. It has taught me to look at the world in a different light. Lupus has also given me strength and a new purpose in life. I am thankful for my parents for caring and always being there when I needed them the most. I am thankful for my sisters and brother for being understanding and putting up with my whining about my symptoms. I am thankful for my friends that are always there for me when I need help. Those of you know who you are. I don't need to mention names. I am also thankful for having food in my tummy. Most importantly I am thankful for being loved.

xoxo,
Kat

Home Sweet Home

After 5 months of being away I am finally home in southern California. My parents were surprised when I came home at 12a.m. They thought that I was coming home on Thursday. I did not correct them. My roommate Court decided to leave yesterday instead of Tuesday. I luckily turned in my assignment last Thursday since I wasn't able to attend class today. Court and I left Berkeley after she came back from her class. We left around 6p.m. We hit a little bit of traffic but it was not bad. What was bad was the drive. It took about 6 hours to get home. My bottom was sore and numb from sitting for that long.

When I saw my house I was excited to surprise everyone. They had no idea that I was coming. I opened the door to the house and ran into my parents room. Boy was my mom surprised. It's good to visit once in a while. I finally get to have authentic Vietnamese food!!! I didn't realize how much I miss spending time with my siblings. I don't know how I will be able to finish all of my work before going back to school. There is so much to do and too many distractions.

xoxo,
Kat

Big Game

I was looking forward to the Big Game against Stanford. The Big Game is the annual football game between University of California, Berkeley and Stanford University, which is held in late November. The first Big Game was held on March 19, 1892 on San Francisco's Haight Street grounds when Stanford beat Cal 14–10. Stanford won the most recent Big Game on November 20, 2010 by a score of 48–14. This was a huge disappointment. The location of the Big Game alternates between the two universities every year. In even-numbered years, the game is played at Berkeley, while in odd-numbered years, it is played at Stanford. The victor of the game has been awarded possession of the Stanford Axe.

In the week before the game, both schools celebrate the occasion with rallies, reunions, and luncheons. Cal students hold a traditional pep rally and bonfire at the Greek Theatre on the eve of the game, while Stanford students stage the Gaieties, a theatrical production that both celebrates and pokes fun at the rivalry. The week also includes various other athletic events including "The Big Splash" (water polo), "The Big Spike" (volleyball), "The Big Freeze" (ice hockey), "The Big Sweep" (Quidditch) and the Ink Bowl, a touch football game between the members of the two schools' newspapers. In addition, the two schools compete in a blood drive called "Rivals for Life."

I was really upset by this game, especially since it was my last big game as an undergrad. I will always bleed blue and gold.

California Victories:46
Stanford Victories:56
Tied games: 11

xoxo,
Kat

My Inner Complexities

After being diagnosis with lupus, my outlook on life and many things have changed. Especially two years ago after hearing the doctor say that I could have died sooner if I was not admitted to the hospital. He said my body could have given out on me at any time. I decided then that I was going to take better care of myself, take more risks and enjoy every aspect of life (this is why I get excited about little things.) My mom once asked me, “aren’t you afraid of dying.” I told her “No.” I am afraid of not being able to accomplish everything that I want to before I died. I have a really long list of all of the things I want to do before passing away like learning how to swim, traveling, etc. I was finally able to let go of my past and resentment towards others. I am able to be carefree.

I feel like a new person after being release from the hospital. I still have one major insecurity that not many people know about. My major insecurity is that I can’t see myself in a relationship right now because it is a huge investment on my part. I know what I want. However I am so scared of being rejected. These thoughts are constantly in my head: will the guy be able to handle the fact that I have lupus? An illness that has no cure? Will he be understanding when I am not able to get out of bed because my body hurts so much? Will he stay or will he eventually leave me once he finds out that I have lupus? How is he going to react when my hair starts to fall out, rashes appearing, losing weight, gaining weight? Is he going to be there when I’m in and out of the hospital? When do I tell him I have lupus? Will he be okay with the fact that I might not be able to have kids in the future? Is he going to be scare off by lupus? Will he be able to cope will the stress? Am I damage goods in his eyes? Will he leave once he finds out about lupus? How is he going to react to the news?

These are the types of thoughts that are constantly running through my head when I meet new people. Having an illness, causes a lot of stress on a relationship and I don’t think guys in college are able to deal with an issue of this magnitude. I can’t start a new relationship because in the end I don’t want it to end in disappointment. I don’t want to give a guy a chance only to have him turn his back on me. I don’t have time to waste so I don’t bother giving guys my number because they really don’t want a relationship. It’s sad to say, but guys in college are only looking to get lucky. When guys ask for my number I usually tell them “sorry, no thanks.” Because I don’t see it going anywhere and I can’t put myself out there just to get hurt in the end. It’s an investment for me and I need to use my time wisely. What if he can't accept me for me (that includes having lupus)? I guess that means he was not worth my time and heartache. I choose to be happily single. I don't think that I am ready to be in a relationship either. I think that I need to cope with my lupus complexities before I am able to open up to others. I need to "be comfortable in my own skin," so to speak. Right now, I choose to be selfish and focus on my career. I don't have time and effort for another person.

I thought that I have accepted what lupus entails, but I am finding out that I am still in denial. It is hard confronting the truth: what if no one wants to be with me? I don't want to die a lonely old woman. These are my deepest fears: what if no one falls in love with me? I know that I sound silly, but it's just my fear speaking.

I only see myself being married once in the future. So when I do get married, I want to be truly married. The lucky guy will be stuck with me forever. Marriage is a huge investment and I don't see myself getting a divorce. The divorce rates in the United States is high and I don't see myself adding to the statistic. I'm young, and I should enjoy being single while it lasts.

xoxo,
Kat

Feeling Blue

On Saturday I went to Nastya's house warming party in Sunnyvale. Nastya is one of my former roommate. I had a lot of fun at her party meeting new people and catching up with her. She was surprised to see me wearing the bootie on my foot. I warned her that I might look a little bit different. hahah... I probably should not have drank though. Being sick and drinking alcohol-is not a good idea. Nastya's party was a good break from studying. I wasn't able to concentrate since I felt so poorly so I decided to go to her party in Sunnyvale. I was having chills and dry coughing every few minutes. I have been feeling sick for a week now. I'm actually losing my voice. My voice is very raspy when I talk. It's not fun being sick. I hope I feel better in a few days and the flu goes away.

This week is big game week and I'm pretty excited for it! I can't believe that I have three essays due this week! Before partying, I need to get these three essays done. I think my professors conspire to make this happen. I'm done with one of the essays already. The other essay that I'm writing is about I.F. Stone, a famous 20th century journalist. I am suppose to do a profile on him. This is is fairly simple and I will be done with it by tomorrow night. I'm calling it a night and going to bed. I should get as much rest as I can before this weekend starts.

xoxo,
Kat

What Best Friends ARE For

How do you comfort someone that is dealing with grief? Miki, who is my best friend, is going through a very tough time right now. Her favorite grandma just passed away in Japan. Her baba passed away from pneumonia. My heart goes out to her because I know what it is like losing someone you love. My grandma also passed away from pneumonia about seven years now. It doesn't get any easier. The pain is always there. I wish that my grandma could have seen me graduate from high school, college, get marry, have kids, etc. The list is never-ending. I still miss her to this day. Miki and I knew that her grandma was very sick. We thought that Miki would have time to visit her grandma during thanksgiving before she passes away. However plans have changed. Miki won't get to visit Japan until this coming summer.

When I heard that her grandma had pneumonia it gave me the chills because my grandma passed from it and I was hospitalized because I had pneumonia. It is very painful and it takes a toll on your body. I was always cold and couldn't get warm. I lost quite a bit of weight from it too. I am happy to know that Miki's baba passed away laughing with her daughters around her.

The only thing that I can do is to comfort Miki. I know that she tries so hard to not let it affect her, but it does. I can't do anything for her, but to be there for her when she needs someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to what she has to say, someone to cry with and someone to hug her. I will always be there for her. Especially when she can't be left by herself. Yesterday at night, Miki couldn't stand being left with herself to think and she didn't want to bother me. So she posted online that if anyone is free to get yogurt since she can't be left with her thoughts. I texted Miki saying that I am free. I want Miki to know that she is not bothering me at all. I want to be there for her when she is suffering and just needs a friend. Silly Miki. She thought that she was bothering me and she thought that since I am wearing a soft bootie it would be a pain for me to walk. I would always make time for her because she needs me (her family is not physically available).

Seeing Miki cry makes me cry too. The advice that I could give Miki is that maybe it is better that she can't attend her funeral. It would nice to be able to attend her funeral; however, I don't know how she will handle seeing her grandma cremated. For me, I was not able to handle seeing my grandma in her coffin, especially when they closed the casket and lower her into the earth. I was balling. I couldn't say goodbye. To this day, I would always wear sunglasses to the cemetery when I visit her because I cry every time. I cry for all of the things that she has missed out on in my life and I cry for our memories together.

What are best friends for? I will always be here for Miki in times of laughter and grief. She needs to know that she is not inconveniencing me. I would drop anything I am doing to be there for her. I want her to know that it's not silly that she cries unexpectedly. It is part of the mourning process. I think that it is healthy to cry and let out all of the emotions than to keep your pain bottled up inside. I think that it is great that the last time Miki talked to her baba, her baba told her "I love you" in English (her grandma is Japanese). That is one special memory that she will always cherish. Kenny and Miki were fortunate to spend this past summer in Japan with her. I am happy that she got to see Kenny's coming of age ceremony. Even though her baba is gone her memories will live on through Miki and her future children. My grandma will always be apart of me. You don't realize what you truly have until you lose it. So cherish every moment with your love ones because you might regret not spending enough time with them when they are gone. At least I still have one living grandma even though she does annoy me at times. I have to remember that she won't be here for that long and to curb my temper with her since she doesn't remember much. I wish that I had a chance to know my grandpas. I envy those of you that still have living grandpas (I never got a chance to know mine).

xoxo,
Kat

All Hallows

This Halloween has been crazy! My Halloween started a week earlier and I ended up in the ER on Halloween. I am now a cripple. I won't go into all the gory details. I have to wear a soft bootie on my foot and keep it bandage so that infection won't set in. It is going to take up to a year for my foot to really heal. Lucky me.

xoxo,
Kat

Role Identities

“Be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be.” -Kurt Vonnegut

xoxo,
Kat