After being diagnosis with lupus, my outlook on life and many things have changed. Especially two years ago after hearing the doctor say that I could have died sooner if I was not admitted to the hospital. He said my body could have given out on me at any time. I decided then that I was going to take better care of myself, take more risks and enjoy every aspect of life (this is why I get excited about little things.) My mom once asked me, “aren’t you afraid of dying.” I told her “No.” I am afraid of not being able to accomplish everything that I want to before I died. I have a really long list of all of the things I want to do before passing away like learning how to swim, traveling, etc. I was finally able to let go of my past and resentment towards others. I am able to be carefree.
I feel like a new person after being release from the hospital. I still have one major insecurity that not many people know about. My major insecurity is that I can’t see myself in a relationship right now because it is a huge investment on my part. I know what I want. However I am so scared of being rejected. These thoughts are constantly in my head: will the guy be able to handle the fact that I have lupus? An illness that has no cure? Will he be understanding when I am not able to get out of bed because my body hurts so much? Will he stay or will he eventually leave me once he finds out that I have lupus? How is he going to react when my hair starts to fall out, rashes appearing, losing weight, gaining weight? Is he going to be there when I’m in and out of the hospital? When do I tell him I have lupus? Will he be okay with the fact that I might not be able to have kids in the future? Is he going to be scare off by lupus? Will he be able to cope will the stress? Am I damage goods in his eyes? Will he leave once he finds out about lupus? How is he going to react to the news?
These are the types of thoughts that are constantly running through my head when I meet new people. Having an illness, causes a lot of stress on a relationship and I don’t think guys in college are able to deal with an issue of this magnitude. I can’t start a new relationship because in the end I don’t want it to end in disappointment. I don’t want to give a guy a chance only to have him turn his back on me. I don’t have time to waste so I don’t bother giving guys my number because they really don’t want a relationship. It’s sad to say, but guys in college are only looking to get lucky. When guys ask for my number I usually tell them “sorry, no thanks.” Because I don’t see it going anywhere and I can’t put myself out there just to get hurt in the end. It’s an investment for me and I need to use my time wisely. What if he can't accept me for me (that includes having lupus)? I guess that means he was not worth my time and heartache. I choose to be happily single. I don't think that I am ready to be in a relationship either. I think that I need to cope with my lupus complexities before I am able to open up to others. I need to "be comfortable in my own skin," so to speak. Right now, I choose to be selfish and focus on my career. I don't have time and effort for another person.
I thought that I have accepted what lupus entails, but I am finding out that I am still in denial. It is hard confronting the truth: what if no one wants to be with me? I don't want to die a lonely old woman. These are my deepest fears: what if no one falls in love with me? I know that I sound silly, but it's just my fear speaking.
I only see myself being married once in the future. So when I do get married, I want to be truly married. The lucky guy will be stuck with me forever. Marriage is a huge investment and I don't see myself getting a divorce. The divorce rates in the United States is high and I don't see myself adding to the statistic. I'm young, and I should enjoy being single while it lasts.
xoxo,
Kat
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