New Year's Eve

Today is new year's eve and it would be amazing to go out, grab some drinks with friends and wait for the count down. I am staying in instead. I love going out and having a great time with friends, but I am also a homebody. I like having time to myself, watching movies, cooking, reading a book, etc. Every year I have always just stayed in and watch the ball drop at midnight from my t.v. My sister and I are going to be making pigs in a blanket to eat later. I like spending time with my sisters and brother. I think that we have gotten even closer than before. Today we spent the whole morning and afternoon catching up on AWKWARD, which is a show about an awkward high school sophomore. I remember my high school days; I always cringe when I think about the ugly duckling stage. Maybe next year I will do something for new year's eve. I kind of have the sniffles so I prefer staying in bed. I would love to be in New York for New Year's Eve one of these years. I'll make it happen.

2011 has been an amazing year for me. I graduated in May and I am finally feeling healthy again. I know that I have some really great friends and I am happy to keep in touch with them. I think that you always have to work on relationships to make it work, even friendship. We all get wrap up in our own little worlds dealing with work, school, boyfriends, girlfriends, family, but I think that it is important to keep in contact with people that you care about. I know that I do. It is very hard, but I make the time to stay in contact with friends. I also get wrap up in trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. It is good being able to talk to friends that are going through the same time that I am going through. It is good to know that I am not alone in trying to figure out my life. This past year has really taught me that friends come and go in our lives after college; however, only a few friends stay and make a huge impact in our lives. I am blessed and honored to have met such amazing people in my life.

A lot of people have new year's resolution. I don't. I have goals instead because most people don't end up fulfilling their new year's resolution. They end up giving up. I don't want to give up. I have goals so that I may try to reach them. One of my goals is to stay fit. I recently have change my diet to a really healthy diet. My diet consist of very lean meats, lots of fish, salads, yogurt, fruits, and anti-inflammatory foods. I stop eating when I feel full. I use to over-eat when I was on the prednisone (especially high fat, sugary foods). I have been trying to go to the gym 5 days a week. I sort of stop working out this week since it is the holidays. I am going to be a gym rat again after the new year. My face has dramatically slimmed down since being off the prednisone or it might just be from stress. I think my body has become tighter, but I don't know. I am trying to lose some butt. I think that my butt is too big. I am trying to tone my body.

This coming up year I am going to try very hard to get a job. I am also going to try to take some classes. I will start studying for the gre. I am so happy to be healthy and to have a clean bill of health. My heart has some leakage, but my doctor will just have to monitor that. I am excited for 2012. I want to travel in 2012. I need to visit Texas before my cousins move back to California. I heard Houston is very similar to L.A. Another place I want to visit: New York.

Here is to a Happy New Year, everlasting friendships, and good health.

xoxo,
Kat

Update

I have been MIA from blogging for about 7 months after graduating for UC Berkeley. The initial reason I stop posting anything is that I was going through a really bad flare. I couldn't walk at all. I had excruciating pain in my legs. I had to force my body to walk to bed. I was really disappointed that I couldn't go to New York with my sisters and cousins. Instead I was taking it easy. I went to see my doctor and she put me on methotrexate in combination with Imuran. She took me off prednisone since it has stop working for me. I am so relieved no more prednisone. She said that I was the perfect candidate for Benlysta, the new FDA approved medication for Lupus. We will see if I am put on Benlysta. My new doctor in Orange County wants to put me back on prednisone instead.

It's been 5 months since I've been on methotrexate and I feel great. I have not have a flare since. Since graduating I have been reevaluating my life and what I want to do in the future. I have a 5 year plan about what I want to do with my life. I want to do something I love. I actually love writing. I want to get my Masters in Journalism or photojournalism. It would be great to be able to travel and work.

This time off I have been the healthiest I have ever been. I am actually looking and applying for jobs that are not in Orange County. The job market in Orange County sucks. I miss the Bay area and my old doctor.

Everyone has been telling me to enjoy my time off, but I want to work. I want to be productive. I am so bored, and stressed out at home. I have been cooking and baking from time to time. I guess you could say I have writer's block. I haven't been inspired in a long time. I am just starting to get into the swing of things again.

More posts to come.

xoxo,
Kat

World Lupus Day

Today is world lupus day! Please wear purple or orange to support someone you know that has lupus. I wore purple today :) Here is a World Lupus Day fact: Lupus is a leading cause of kidney disease, stroke and premature cardiovascular disease in young women. Spread the word and help us raise awareness!

Here is a picture of my rashes from lupus (this is when I was going through a really bad flare)

World Lupus Day Fact: (I did not know the number was this high!) Approximately two-thirds of people with lupus will develop some type of skin complication. This often is in the form of a rash or sores, most of which will appear on sun-exposed areas, such as face, ears, neck, arms, and legs.

Here is another fact: Lupus can be expensive to manage and live with. A recent study found that the average annual cost to provide healthcare for a person with lupus was $12,643, and was nearly $21,000 when lost productivity on the job due to illness is included (source: LFA)

World Lupus Day Fact: Lupus is one of America's least recognized major diseases. While lupus is widespread, awareness and accurate knowledge about it is lacking. Let's change this!

So I am on a full treatment with steroids since I am experiencing a lupus flare. My rhuemy gave me a higher dose of steroids. I thought that I could hide from steroids. It was just in my dreams. I am so tired of taking pills every morning and night. I know that if I don't take them there will be consequences. I am hoping that I don't gain additional weight from the steroids. I am still trying to lose the weight gain from last time. The cycle never ends. On top of this my Doctor informs me that I may have kidney damage and that I need to get tests redone this Friday. If this is the case, she will have to change my medication regiment. I just want a break. I am so tired from all the doctor's appointment, blood tests, medications, fatigue.

I have to admit that within a day of taking the steroids my fatigue and throat soreness has improve tremendously. This is my cross to bare and I gladly accept it. I just hope that I may be able to help those less fortunate than I. Help me spread awareness about lupus! For more information about Lupus please visit the lupus foundation of america (lupus.org).

xoxo,
Kat

Dedication to My Mum

To My Mum,
Happy Mother's Day! I'm sorry this is the second Mother's Day that I have not been able to spend with you. I thank you for giving birth to me. I know that being a Mother is not always easy. I think that it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I thank you for loving me and for making me become a better woman. I don't think I have told you this before, but you inspire me everyday. You are so selfless, that at times I wish you would stand up for yourself. You have sacrifice so much for me and my brother and sisters. I don't know how you do it. I am here if you ever need to "not be" strong. I am blessed to have a mother like you. Everyday I strive to make you proud. We may not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but that is the beauty of it. Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you. I may get frustrated with you at times, but at the end of the day you are still my mother. I know you only WANT the best for me;however, your intentions may be misguide.

Mom we have been through so much together. My first steps, my first day of kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, first communion, the terrible teens, learning how to drive a car, graduation, dropping me off at Berkeley, doctor's appointments, and hospital stays. What people say: A mother's love is unconditional. I know that you care but sometimes your words hurt more than anybody's else. I now understand that you would do anything to "FIND A CURE" for me. But you have to accept the fact that there is no cure. I know that it hurts you to see me in pain. I know that you are afraid that I may die sooner and maybe even before you. MOM, you have to set me free. I know that in your heart I will always be your little girl. However, you can not always protect me. I have told you that I am not afraid to die, but I am afraid of not being able to accomplish everything that I want to. I need to be able to LIVE and experience life.

Ever since I was a little girl I always strive to be more like you. I hope someday I can make you as proud of me as I am of you. My graduation a week from now is not just for me, it is for you too. The reason why I push myself so hard is because of your sacrifices. I wish I could have spent today celebrating what an awesome mother you are.

P.S. I Love You Mum. I can't wait to see you in about a week.

xoxo,
Kat

OMG I'm graduating!!!

Oh my god! I'm graduating in about a week and a half!!! I am so excited! I just got my sash the other day too. I am proud of myself for finishing school. I am so happy that I underestimated all the people that told my parents to let me quit school since I have "an illness." I was never going to quit. I can't wait to see my mom, dad, and sister. It sucks that since Berkeley is so far, no body else will be attending my graduation. Even my brother and my other sister is not attending my graduation. This is a huge milestone for me. I now have the daunting task of looking for a job.

It's bittersweet that I am graduating Cal while my sister Kim just got accepted into Cal as a biology major. I am so proud of her. However she does not share my same feelings. She does not want to go to Cal. She does not like Berkeley. She would rather go to San Diego. I will definitely visit Cal a lot if she goes here. Depending if I find a job up here, she may live with me her last year. We will just have to see if I get a job first.

xoxo,
Kat

Weakness

Banana cream pie @ Nations

Victorians in Castro

Do you have a weakness? I do. Banana cream pie is one of my all time weakness. I absolutely love banana cream pie. The silky smooth texture just melts in my mouth. It is one of my all time favorites. The nutty smell and freshly slice bananas is to die for. The cream is not too sweet, so I don't feel as bad after I eat it. I will eventually attempt to make this one of these days. I am crossing my fingers that it will turn out just as amazing!

I love old buildings that have history tied to them. I love these victorians house that I came across while I was in Castro last weekend. They remind me of my uncles and aunts home in Canada and Holland. The architecture is stunning with all of the little details. I wish I could have seen what it looked like from the inside.

xoxo,
Kat

Lime Bar

Bottomless Mimosas @ Lime Bar, SF

Sunday Brunch in the city with good company always make my day. I will definitely go back for my birthday! The atmosphere, music, and food was just perfect! On the weekend, Lime Bar is a hot spot for gay bar hopping. They always have really good music.

xoxo,
Kat

My Girls

Burgers and Margaritas!

A beautiful day in San Francisco with my loves.

I love my girls! I have such amazing friends especially Miki and Eugenie! We always manage to have fun without the drama. I will surely miss them. I can't wait for our reunion for Mardi Gras in New Orleans (one of these years)! It will be like old times. What I love about Miki is that she is so compassionate and easy to talk to. She is always ready to have a good time. I feel like I have known you forever. What I love about Eugenie is that she tells it like how it is and she is absolutely hilarious. I like that she keeps it real. These girls are truly beautiful inside and out. These girls are always there for me when I need them and vice versa. We may not talk for months due to each of our busy life, but when we do it is like time never passed. Life takes us in different directions; however, we will grow old together. I can see us reminiscing about our college days, boy problems, work, stress, etc. in the years to come. I love and miss you girls. I wish you only the best in what you do.

xoxo,
Kat

Can an Internet Troll Pick Up a Girl IRL?

YouTube Video of the Day: Can an Internet Troll Pick Up a Girl IRL?
Saw this video on Mashable and just had to share. It lighten my day considerably, but please if you are a guy do not try these lines.

xoxo,
Kat

Fearlessness

To me, "FEARLESS" is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to forgive. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think it is FEARLESS to stand for what you believe. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too.

xoxo,
Kat

It Is What It Is

It is what it is. At the end of the day I know who I AM and I embrace all my virtues, values and flaws. 
I'm striving to become a better person emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, psychologically,and physiologically. I know what I have to offer and my value as the person I am. Most importantly I have come to embrace all aspects of my life and what LIFE has to offer. Life is too short to be wrap up in little pettiness. I try to smile when I can because laughter is the cheapest medicine on my darkest days.

xoxo,
Kat

Oh My God I'm Graduating!

I can't believe that I am graduating in a MONTH! This semester has really gone by really quick. I only have two and a half more weeks of lecture then I'll be free!!! I first need to get over this cold. It seems like I am just getting worst and not better. I think that I really need to just rest to get better. I thought colds were only suppose to last for like 3 or 4 days. It has been over a week and a half for me.

I can't wait to graduate! I am really burnt out. I have so much going on that I have been neglecting my health. Yesterday I was suppose to go the the Giants vs. Dodgers game at AT&T Park; however, I threw up and passed out on Bart. I feel so bad for my friends that were with me, because they got scared when I lost consciousness. A stranger called the ambulance when I did not respond. I was surprised when I woke up and I was in the hospital. I was looking forward to the game.

The doctors ordered me to rest, and not go to class. Thank god my lungs were cleared for pneumonia from the x-rays. I am dreading telling my mom about this. On Sunday she warned me not to go to the game. I can already see the medical bill and it's already giving me a headache. I'll wait until after graduation to tell them what happened. They should be use to it by now since the hospital is my "BEST" friend, next to the steroids.

xoxo,
Kat

Garlic Chicken Pizza

So proud of myself! I made the pizza from scratch. It was really easy. I decided that it was time that I actually had a decent dinner. I made the pizza one night on a whim.

xoxo,
Kat

Kisses

Effects of Kissing:

Long kisses are beneficial to our circulatory system. When kissing, our pulse rate is quickening up to 110 beats per minute. This is a great training for our cardiovascular system.

After kissing, the lungs work harder, resulting in 60 inhales per minute compared to regular 20 inhales. Such “ventilation” is a good preventive measure against lung diseases.

Some dentists believe that kissing is a preventive measure against dental caries. Indeed, kissing stimulates the flow of saliva that eliminates acid coat on the teeth.

Kisses that last more than three minutes help us fight stress and its effects. Long kisses trigger the chain of biochemical reactions, which destroys stress hormones.

Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.

Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound.

Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.

Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.

Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol.

Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.

During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.

Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the ‘noise’ in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.

I came across these kissing benefits and just had to post them. You can see why I love kissing. It is very beneficial. =]

xoxo,
Kat

Honey Glazed Halibut

I made honey glazed halibut for dinner the other day. It was so light. The halibut melts in your mouth. It was so moist and flaky. It did not take long to cook. I pan seared the halibut for about 4 minutes on each side. I made a pear-snap pea salad to go with the fish. It was really yummy. I am a huge fan of fruit in my salads. For the vinaigrette I made my own. It is very light and there is a hint of citrus and orange to it. It smells amazing. My kitchen smells of fruit and honey. Ask me for the recipe and I'll give it to you.

xoxo,
Kat

Sushi Fix

I got my sushi fix at Kula with my sisters! Conveyor belt sushi is so much fun! I'm going to check out Kaisen Kaiten, I heard that it is better.

xoxo,
Kat

True Colors

This is a spectacle within a spectacle. According to Debord, we live in a world so dominated by consumer goods that even our social relations are “commodified”. We relate to others through cars, stereos, mass-produced music, TV shows and vacation packages.

Mega-spectacles also include sports events like the World Series, Superbowl, and NBA championships which attract massive audiences, are hyped to the maximum, and generate always accelerating record advertising rates. These cultural rituals celebrate society's deepest values (i.e. competition, winning, success, and money) and corporations are willing to pay top dollars to get their products associated with such events.

As we take a look into the feminine beauty ideal among race, we come to one conclusion. Many women conform to the prevailing beauty standards of certain corporate culture or to advance. “There are institutional forces that propagate the idea that the white ideal of beauty is the only acceptable ideal of beauty.” The reality of the situation is that “white” is considered the golden standard and that everything else is deemed unacceptable. Women of color find themselves under enormous pressure to compensate for that which they “lack”. The fact is that races have different ideas of female beauty.

The ideal feminine beauty image is most often linked to the portrayal of whiteness in advertisements, movies, celebrities, etc. Even in other cultures around the world, women strive to achieve a beauty that reflects what is considered a western, white female. The commercial market strongly influences children from a young age that being beautiful requires being white, skinny and blonde. Any deterrent from this ideal beauty image may cause one to be considered as ugly and abnormal.

I find it ironic that Dove, who is trying to promote self-esteem for girls, played this commercial at the Super Bowl XL, which is another spectacle. Do you think that it is counter-intuitive? Our ideas about "what is beautiful" is mediated by images.

xoxo,
Kat

The Spectacle

This provocative image upholds the myth that Americans are "branded" from birth, overwhelmed with commodification. I think this to be more counter-hegemonic than most spectacle, upholding an ideology criticizing capitalism. This is an image that clearly defines Debord's spectacle. As we can see our social relations are permeated by images that in the end commodifies us. 


The situationists see modern consumer society as a society of the spectacle where our selves are absorbed into the mass entertainments provided by film, TV, music, advertising, and consumer goods. The spectacle breeds isolation, and alienates us from meaningful work, play and communities. We are caught up in false choices between spectacles in a society which offers us spectacular abundance, yet at the same time separates us from each other and from active resistance to the cultural alienation this society represents.

xoxo,
Kat

Ignorance Is Bliss

People have always said that, "Ignorance is Bliss." However in this case ignorance can be offensive. It just made her seem dumb and VERY uneducated. As you can see from the video, she is very politically incorrect. She just made a death wish for her career. After she posted this video, there have been a slew of viral videos in response to her act of ignorance.
This next video is in response to her racist comments.

I am not Chinese or Japanese, but I did find her video to be very offensive and in ill taste. She worded it and the fact she decided to generally point this out to only Asians is a discriminative. There are some Asians who are loud in general and who use their cellphones in the library but it is definitely not true for all. I work in the library and I see people of other races using their cellphones too. She talked generally about Asians, and mocked them with the Ching Chong thing. It is very insensitive since she did it so close to the 9.0 Earthquake in Japan. People when you post things on the Internet please think before you do. There are always ramifications for your actions.

xoxo,
Kat

Benlysta Approved

Press Announcements FDA approves Benlysta to treat lupus

FDA approves Benlysta for the treatment of Lupus on March 9th!!! Yay!
I am so happy after 56 years, Lupus finally gets a new treatment. Next time when I see my Rheumatologist, I need to ask about Benlysta. I do not want to be dependent on steroids for the rest of my life. I wonder what the side effects are for Benlysta? Anything is better than gain water weight, and having the moon face. This reminds me that I need to go see my rheumy soon.

March 9th is probably one of the happiest days for my life so far. I've been meaning to write this post a few weeks back, but I was consumed with studying for my midterms. I think that FDA made a wise decision in approving the medication because pharmaceuticals will generate a lot of money.

xoxo,
Kat

Japan Devastation

March 11, 2011

I was about to go out with Miki for drinks when I saw on my news feed that Japan was hit with a 8.9 earthquake. I was extremely shocked. It made me think of Miki and her family that lives in Japan. My hearts go out to her and everyone in Japan. These past few weeks we have been bombarded with news about Japan and the radiation and explosion from the nuclear plant. Thank god that none of Miki's family is effect by the Tsunami. However, they are effect by it indirectly.

Recently, someone I am not going to name names, but that person told me that she thinks what happened to Japan is because of Karma. I was very angry. How can you say that a natural disaster where thousands of people are effect by the aftermath karma? She justified her comments by saying that the Japanese said that what happened to Chernobyl is cause by savages and will never happen to Japan. I don't know where she got her facts from but I think that she is bias because she is from Ukraine.

I think that it is important to help Japan especially since the devastation will be ongoing. It was very surreal to think that the tsunami could hit California since we are in the Pacific. Thank god the damage was minimal. If you want to find out more about the Japanese tsunami or to help in Japan Relief check out the Huffington Post.

xoxo,
Kat

Bye Bye Sweets

Happy Ash Wednesday everyone! Let the fasting begin! This year for Lent, I am giving up sweets, cookies, cupcakes, pastries, chocolates, etc. Because I have a really sweet tooth. I decide to give them up because they are my guilty pleasure. Besides I am suppose to not eat sweets according to my doctor. I should only eat it once in a while since it is not good for my health.

I am also not eating junk food. My snacks consists of fruit, carrots, raisins, crackers, pretzels and nuts. I like eating healthy. After Lent, I'll indulge in sweets once in a while. Everything in moderation is good right?

xoxo,
Kat

Yummy Yummy In My Tummy

I made chicken noodle soup since it's raining and getting colder in Berkeley. It is so easy to make instead of buying pre-package chicken noodle soup. I make my chicken noodle soup a little bit different from other people. I'm going to give you the recipe and you can try it out for yourselves.

Ingredients:
pepper
chicken breast
chicken broth
water
any kind of pasta
carrots
potatoes
fish sauce

I first boil the chicken broth and water together. I just eyeballed everything. I didn't use exact measurements for my soup. I use one part water to one part chicken broth. I like potatoes in my soup, but you can add celery or peas to your soup if you prefer. When the water boils I add the carrots and potatoes to it. I cut my chicken breast into 1 inch cubes and drop it into the pot also. I season the soup with pepper and fish sauce. You can use salt instead of fish sauce. I use fish sauce because I like the taste of it. When the carrots and potatoes are soft, I add in the pasta. I put my pot on low heat for about 20-30 minutes. It tastes really yummy and I like that I know what I am putting into my soup. I know that there aren't any preservatives in it.

xoxo,
Kat

Fatal Attraction

I have to admit, I have a fatal attraction to accidents. This is what happens when I fall down. My arm gave away. My body is not what it is use to be. Now I have to be more cautious. When I fell my elbow gave away, and my arm was in so much pain. I did not think that I broke my arm. However the pain became excruciating within the next week. My arm did swell up and it was bruised all over. I still refused to go get it check out by a doctor. I did not want my fears to be confirmed. I couldn't move or straighten my right arm for two weeks. I would drop things when I tried to use my right hand. My grip is very weak. I didn't cry about this. Instead I was laughing and my friends were amazed at how calm and nonchalant I was. This is why you see me smiling in the photo. It's a little inside joke between my best friend and I that when I go out, I some how always end up getting hurt.

About a week and a half ago it was my friend Christian's 21st birthday. We went out and go a few drinks with him. He was drunk and I was sober. We were walking home and Christian had the SMART idea to jump on my back so that I can give him a piggy back ride. I saw him looking at me and I said "No," but it was too late. He ran and jumped on my back. Mind you, I was wearing 4 inch heels. I went down like a sack of potatoes. My knees gave out right away. My friends had to help me up cause I couldn't get up. Christian felled on top of me. I couldn't believe that he would jump on me when he knows that my bones are really fragile since lupus. I was really mad at him. I still am. He still haven't apologize about making me fall.

I am just going to brush it off, but next time when he is drunk and decides to pull this stunt again I am going to punch him. He needs to understand that I could have bee seriously hurt. He was lucky that I didn't fracture or break anything when I fell. Thank god I was able to walk with the help of my other friends. As you can see I attract accidents. I just have to be extremely careful.

xoxo,
Kat

Mr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde

Lately I have been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I was like Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This is all due to stress and my emotional battle. One moment I would be happy and the next I would be crying. It was unnerving. I noticed that I was angry, and irritated with everyone. I had a very short temper. I did not recognize the girl I was becoming. I felt out of controlled-hopeless. I figured out that it was probably due to me forgetting to take my meds. I started to become sick and I couldn't get well. I even started to hallucinate. Now that was really trippy. The last time I hallucinated was 2 years ago when I was not diagnosis yet. Thankfully I don't feel as stress anymore. I actually remember to take my meds now. I noticed a huge difference in my fatigue, and personality when I don't take my meds. It doesn't help that I have been drifting in and out of life.

I have been drifting for a while now. Have you ever felt like you are drifting? Going through the motions but you are not emotionally there? Well I have...It is easier not to think about issues. It is nice to block out all of the emotional burden and just live. It is healthier to not dwell on the past. I have made peace with having Lupus. I understand that my parents love me, but they are STILL in denial about Lupus. It is hard to talk to them at times. Especially when they want me to take herbal "eastern" medication. They don't understand that there is NO CURE for lupus. I know that my mom did not mean to hurt me when she called me somewhere along the lines of "damaged goods." She is trying to look out for me and she does not know how. It hurts her to see that I am suffering.

I am finally at peace with everything. I am actually really happy now. The last post that I wrote was what I was feeling two months ago. Things are actually looking up for me. I got a Marketing internship. I'm so excited! I don't know how I am going to survive. I am still a student, I work, I am a board member for my club and I am also interning. I hope I don't bite off more than I can chew. I better not stretch myself too thin.

I'll remember to take my meds or Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde will come out to play.

xoxo,
Kat

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Baked with Love


Makes 24-28

What you need:
3 eggs
3/4 cup butter
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
2-1/4 cups sugar
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 1-oz. bottle red food coloring (2 Tbsp.)
1-1/2 cups buttermilk
1-1/2 tsp. baking soda
1-1/2 tsp. vinegar
Small chocolate heart-shaped cookies (optional)
Powdered sugar (optional)

Directions:
1. Let eggs and butter stand 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 28 2-1/2-inch cupcake pans with paper liners; set aside.
2. In medium bowl combine flour, cocoa powder, and 3/4 tsp. salt; set aside. In large mixing bowl beat butter on medium-high 30 seconds. Add sugar and vanilla; beat until combined. One at a time, add eggs; beat on medium after each. Beat in food coloring on low.
3. Alternately add flour mixture and buttermilk to egg mixture; beat on low to medium sped after each just until combined. Stir together baking soda and vinegar. Add to batter; beat just until combined.
4. Spoon batter into prepared pans, filling each about two-thirds full. Bake 15 to 17 minutes. Cool in pan on wire rack for 5 minutes. Remove from pans. Cool completely. Top with small chocolate cookies, if desired. Dust with powdered sugar. Makes 28 servings.

Happy Eating :]

xoxo,
Kat

DAMAGED GOODS?

Where do I even begin? Whenever I think about this conversation between my mom and I, I would always become sad. I am even crying right now. I think that I just need to get it off of my chest. I didn't even tell Jenny, my twin, about this until a month ago. It was just too painful and hurtful. I didn't want to burden her. I just want to get back to Berkeley as fast as I can so that I can curl up in a ball and cry to my heart's content.

It was gloomy, grey day in Southern California. This all took place when I was at home during Winter break. It was a few days before I had to go back to Berkeley. My mom and I were picking up clothes from the dry cleaners. I was not expecting this from my mom. My mom said, "After you graduate for Cal, I think you should come home and become a NUN." I was shocked! I told her I would never become a nun. She proceeds to tell me, "No man is ever going to love you because you would be consider DAMAGED GOODS to his family. What if you can't give him children?"

I wanted to cry right then but I held in my tears. I only cry when I'm alone. I didn't want to show weakness and my vulnerability in front of her. Instead I told her, "I am NORMAL. Did I choose to have Lupus?I don't care if in the future I am not able to have kids. The guy that I eventually marries will love me for me and not because I am a BREEDER." I am NEVER GOING TO BE A NUN. If my mom knew half of the stuff I've done; she would die. I told her that ever since I was younger I always knew that I would get married in the future. I can't believe that my own mother called me damaged goods. It is my biggest insecurity, not being wanted for who I am. Just because I have an autoimmune disease this does not make me different from any other person. Lupus does not change who I am even if it affects my body. I am still me, a daughter, sister, friend, who has her whole life ahead of her.

After this whole incident I didn't talk, or call my mom for awhile. It hurts too much. I am still hurting right now. I think that my mom has my best interests at heart, but she didn't realize that her comments were a slap in my face. My sister was angry on my behalf.

This incident has made me become really sad. I don't know if I am depress or not. Some days I am just really sad and I would try to hide it. However, it doesn't work on my really "down" days. I think that this is the reason why I have been drinking so much. I drink to block the pain. I don't have to think either. I probably am a bit depress. I find myself crying at the oddest times.

I hate that my mom's way of thinking has been shaped by the patriarchal society that we live in. The gender codes hail women as nourishers, providing for her man and children. Is she less of a women if she can't have kids? There are other "options" for having children. I think that when people do marry it is not to procreate. It is because they love each other.

This incident has me going through ups and downs. I am doing better now, but I do have my moments when I cry. It's hard to talk to others about this because they don't understand. This is also a reason why I don't let guys get close to me. I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position of getting hurt. I don't have time or energy to waste.

My sister knows me so well. I want to say thank you for caring. She sent a text yesterday, telling me that if I ever feel sad, or depress I should listen to Pink-PERFECT. It was a thoughtful text that got me all mushy. I don't say thank you enough, and when I say it I really mean it. It means a lot to me that she cares and understands my inner-complex.

xoxo,
Kat

It's been a while

I can't believe that it has been two months since I posted anything. These past two months have been very stressful, filled with laughs, tears, anger, and pain. This is the first time I have been able to have some "time" to myself to actual write and process what I am feeling. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. You will be bombarded with many posts within the next couple of days. I have a lot to get off of my chest.

xoxo,
Kat