DAMAGED GOODS?

Where do I even begin? Whenever I think about this conversation between my mom and I, I would always become sad. I am even crying right now. I think that I just need to get it off of my chest. I didn't even tell Jenny, my twin, about this until a month ago. It was just too painful and hurtful. I didn't want to burden her. I just want to get back to Berkeley as fast as I can so that I can curl up in a ball and cry to my heart's content.

It was gloomy, grey day in Southern California. This all took place when I was at home during Winter break. It was a few days before I had to go back to Berkeley. My mom and I were picking up clothes from the dry cleaners. I was not expecting this from my mom. My mom said, "After you graduate for Cal, I think you should come home and become a NUN." I was shocked! I told her I would never become a nun. She proceeds to tell me, "No man is ever going to love you because you would be consider DAMAGED GOODS to his family. What if you can't give him children?"

I wanted to cry right then but I held in my tears. I only cry when I'm alone. I didn't want to show weakness and my vulnerability in front of her. Instead I told her, "I am NORMAL. Did I choose to have Lupus?I don't care if in the future I am not able to have kids. The guy that I eventually marries will love me for me and not because I am a BREEDER." I am NEVER GOING TO BE A NUN. If my mom knew half of the stuff I've done; she would die. I told her that ever since I was younger I always knew that I would get married in the future. I can't believe that my own mother called me damaged goods. It is my biggest insecurity, not being wanted for who I am. Just because I have an autoimmune disease this does not make me different from any other person. Lupus does not change who I am even if it affects my body. I am still me, a daughter, sister, friend, who has her whole life ahead of her.

After this whole incident I didn't talk, or call my mom for awhile. It hurts too much. I am still hurting right now. I think that my mom has my best interests at heart, but she didn't realize that her comments were a slap in my face. My sister was angry on my behalf.

This incident has made me become really sad. I don't know if I am depress or not. Some days I am just really sad and I would try to hide it. However, it doesn't work on my really "down" days. I think that this is the reason why I have been drinking so much. I drink to block the pain. I don't have to think either. I probably am a bit depress. I find myself crying at the oddest times.

I hate that my mom's way of thinking has been shaped by the patriarchal society that we live in. The gender codes hail women as nourishers, providing for her man and children. Is she less of a women if she can't have kids? There are other "options" for having children. I think that when people do marry it is not to procreate. It is because they love each other.

This incident has me going through ups and downs. I am doing better now, but I do have my moments when I cry. It's hard to talk to others about this because they don't understand. This is also a reason why I don't let guys get close to me. I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position of getting hurt. I don't have time or energy to waste.

My sister knows me so well. I want to say thank you for caring. She sent a text yesterday, telling me that if I ever feel sad, or depress I should listen to Pink-PERFECT. It was a thoughtful text that got me all mushy. I don't say thank you enough, and when I say it I really mean it. It means a lot to me that she cares and understands my inner-complex.

xoxo,
Kat